The need to feel respected is so deeply rooted in our psyche that James Gilligan, a prison psychologist and expert on violence, reported that the number one justification violent criminals would give for having physically harmed others was, “He dissed me!” Gilligan reported inmates (the majority of whom had had horrendous childhoods) telling him things like, “James, I never felt so much respect in my life as when I had a gun in my hand!”
Whenever we communicate, we send out a signal of how we evaluate those we are communicating with. A lot of this happens “under the hood” that we are not necessarily consciously aware of, but it still has a very significant influence on our behavior, as well as how what we are saying will be received. Nothing will sour or interactions or lead to conflict so readily as others perceiving us to be patronizing, condescending, or receiving the message that we look down on them or hold them in contempt.
One of the reasons we communicate is to maintain inner or outer respect.
The way we communicate also reflects how we feel about ourselves. People who speak timidly as though they are not worthy of much consideration often discover they are in the end given little consideration. Telegraphing low self-respect to others becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We also communicate to avoid discomfort or pain. Of course, if you’re anything like me, you might jump around screaming bloody murder when you stub your toe and find it feels strangely comforting. And then, a lot of people feel very uncomfortable being on their own or with silence around others. That can be an indication to us that there’s something that’s coming up inside that we’re not very comfortable with and might get some comfort from communicating about.
Finally, we communicate to create excitement or relieve boredom. More on that after this ad, lol…
Bitcoin - Etherium - Monero
I hope all this info will end up in a book one day but, believe it or not, writing a book is not a very profitable affair (contrary to popular belief) it’s very time consuming and you have to do it for love, so if you would like to see the book finished please send crypto to support me putting the time in. You can also paypal frequency528@hotmail.co.uk.
I wrote a short book called How to Make Small Talkand in it I talked about the fact that when you first meet people in a social situation, they ask you things like, “Where are you from?”, “What do you do?”, and “What are your hobbies?”, but what most people don’t realize is that when someone asks you what you do, they aren’t actually asking what you do! They are just trying to start a conversation.
The questions people ask when we first meet can easily trick you into thinking that they are looking for information. But that’s just on the surface. Usually, they are just trying to relate to you and create a little buzz. Lots of people hate being asked these questions and get too bogged down in the specifics of what the other person is asking, thinking they have to answer the question accurate. Suddenly they feel the pressure of being in the spotlight which makes them uncomfortable. Actually, it’s not a test! It’s really just an attempt to create enough connection to talk about something – anything!
Think of that the next time someone asks you a bog-standard question like “what do you do?” If you are one of those people who “hate small talk” and don’t like answering those questions, try this: Completely ignore the question and just launch into a short paragraph of between two and four sentences on something you actually are interested in talking about! If you don’t know what, you can try either: the most interesting thing that happened to you this week, a story in the news and what you think about it, something about a movie or show you watched and why you liked it, or what you are doing at the weekend. You will be surprised by how often people drop the original question completely and try to find a way to relate to you on the new topic. That’s because they weren’t asking the question to get an answer – they were trying to create excitement or relieve boredom!
So, those are the six reasons why we communicate and the pitfalls of misidentifying them. A quick reminder of them:
1) To give or receive information.
2) To cause action, change or get people to do something.
3) To vent emotionally and gain empathy, validation or understanding for feelings and experiences.
4) To gain or maintain both inner and outer respect.
5) To avoid pain or discomfort.
6) To create excitement or cure boredom.
Imagine you asked someone for directions to the liquor store and they kept trying to point you to the theater. You’d be pretty annoyed, wouldn’t you? Well, it’s just the same with communication. People are asking for something when they communicate, and they will get frustrated if you ignore them. They will not blame their own unclear and ambiguous communication, they will blame you. So, prepare to be the bigger person, because perfect directions to the wrong place are not helpful.
What Violent Criminals Say About The Reason They Offend...
What Violent Criminals Say About The Reason They Offend...
What Violent Criminals Say About The Reason They Offend...
In this article I want to finish up my series of articles on the six reasons why people communicate.
The need to feel respected is so deeply rooted in our psyche that James Gilligan, a prison psychologist and expert on violence, reported that the number one justification violent criminals would give for having physically harmed others was, “He dissed me!” Gilligan reported inmates (the majority of whom had had horrendous childhoods) telling him things like, “James, I never felt so much respect in my life as when I had a gun in my hand!”
Whenever we communicate, we send out a signal of how we evaluate those we are communicating with. A lot of this happens “under the hood” that we are not necessarily consciously aware of, but it still has a very significant influence on our behavior, as well as how what we are saying will be received. Nothing will sour or interactions or lead to conflict so readily as others perceiving us to be patronizing, condescending, or receiving the message that we look down on them or hold them in contempt.
One of the reasons we communicate is to maintain inner or outer respect.
The way we communicate also reflects how we feel about ourselves. People who speak timidly as though they are not worthy of much consideration often discover they are in the end given little consideration. Telegraphing low self-respect to others becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We also communicate to avoid discomfort or pain. Of course, if you’re anything like me, you might jump around screaming bloody murder when you stub your toe and find it feels strangely comforting. And then, a lot of people feel very uncomfortable being on their own or with silence around others. That can be an indication to us that there’s something that’s coming up inside that we’re not very comfortable with and might get some comfort from communicating about.
Finally, we communicate to create excitement or relieve boredom. More on that after this ad, lol…
Bitcoin - Etherium - Monero
I hope all this info will end up in a book one day but, believe it or not, writing a book is not a very profitable affair (contrary to popular belief) it’s very time consuming and you have to do it for love, so if you would like to see the book finished please send crypto to support me putting the time in. You can also paypal frequency528@hotmail.co.uk.
I wrote a short book called How to Make Small Talk and in it I talked about the fact that when you first meet people in a social situation, they ask you things like, “Where are you from?”, “What do you do?”, and “What are your hobbies?”, but what most people don’t realize is that when someone asks you what you do, they aren’t actually asking what you do! They are just trying to start a conversation.
The questions people ask when we first meet can easily trick you into thinking that they are looking for information. But that’s just on the surface. Usually, they are just trying to relate to you and create a little buzz. Lots of people hate being asked these questions and get too bogged down in the specifics of what the other person is asking, thinking they have to answer the question accurate. Suddenly they feel the pressure of being in the spotlight which makes them uncomfortable. Actually, it’s not a test! It’s really just an attempt to create enough connection to talk about something – anything!
Think of that the next time someone asks you a bog-standard question like “what do you do?” If you are one of those people who “hate small talk” and don’t like answering those questions, try this: Completely ignore the question and just launch into a short paragraph of between two and four sentences on something you actually are interested in talking about! If you don’t know what, you can try either: the most interesting thing that happened to you this week, a story in the news and what you think about it, something about a movie or show you watched and why you liked it, or what you are doing at the weekend. You will be surprised by how often people drop the original question completely and try to find a way to relate to you on the new topic. That’s because they weren’t asking the question to get an answer – they were trying to create excitement or relieve boredom!
So, those are the six reasons why we communicate and the pitfalls of misidentifying them. A quick reminder of them:
1) To give or receive information.
2) To cause action, change or get people to do something.
3) To vent emotionally and gain empathy, validation or understanding for feelings and experiences.
4) To gain or maintain both inner and outer respect.
5) To avoid pain or discomfort.
6) To create excitement or cure boredom.
Imagine you asked someone for directions to the liquor store and they kept trying to point you to the theater. You’d be pretty annoyed, wouldn’t you? Well, it’s just the same with communication. People are asking for something when they communicate, and they will get frustrated if you ignore them. They will not blame their own unclear and ambiguous communication, they will blame you. So, prepare to be the bigger person, because perfect directions to the wrong place are not helpful.
In previous articles have discussed the fact that people mistake “venting” for the attempt to acquire information, and the dangers of only communicating with people to cause action or change.