People Don't Care What You Know Until They Know That You Care
psychosocial.substack.com
In my last article, put a pin in it, I talked about how thinking someone is looking for help solving a problem when actually they just want to vent often causes a lot of unnecessary conflicts in relationships. While this is a very common and recognisable example of how misunderstanding the reason why people are communicating causes problems, it is not the only one. (There are six reasons why people communicate - can you name them? if not check out this article.)
One of the most common reasons we communicate is to cause action or change. While this could be as simple as asking someone to “pass the salt,” it also forms the nuts and bolts of how we cooperate in the world. Since no one can provide for all their own needs, we have to communicate with one another and often negotiate to get people to do things for us in exchange for our good will, or the promise to do things for them in return. We usually try to do this without making people feel like they are just a vehicle for us to get our needs met, by being polite and taking an interest in others, rather than treating them as a means to our ends. In other words, we relate to people. If we fail to relate and people get the impression that the only reason we speak to them is when we want to get them to do things or communicate information to us, they will likely find us very detached, impersonal, self-involved, or even rude.
You may think people would only treat strangers this way, but actually much of the misery suffered in family life is caused by loved ones only communicating to one another on the level of “doing.” What needs done by when and by whom, or who forgot to do what and why. Sound familiar?
My friend Roslyn Ross coined the term “job parenting” to describe it when parents forget that their kids are little people with their own inner world and motivations in the cause of “doing a good job” as a parent. If being a good parent means the homework has to be in on time, then, by hook or by crook, we’re going to make the kids do it, and if we have to run roughshod over a few feelings in the process then so be it!
By extension – the successful “job” girlfriend is the one who “gets” her boyfriend to buy a ring and propose, be nice around her friend Molly (even though he can’t stand Molly and would rather be home watching the game than out shopping), and keep his political views to himself around her conservative dad – regardless of how he feels about meeting her criteria for success.
The problem with this approach is that, over the long term, this destroys all the good will in our relationships. In the rush to get others to do all the things we think they are “supposed to do” we lose the greatest influence we have over them – which is the quality and depth of our connection with one another.
So, watch out! If you only ever communicate with your kids when you want them to get ready for school or tidy their room, they will very soon come to resent you. It’s very common for people, even in their 30s, 40s and 50s, to complain that they don’t think their parents really know them or listen to them. I think this is because their parents often think it is more important that they get their children to do what they think is good for them (to cause action or change) than to actually take the time to relate to them as regular human beings with their own needs, priorities and preferences. It starts when they are young and sadly, all too often, continues on into adulthood.
If you want to avoid this situation, remember to take the time to relate to people on subjects that are important to them rather than simply on the level of their responsibilities. Take an interest in their talents, dreams and aspirations – if for no other reason than those are the things that are important to them. Learn to play their favorite video game with them, read their favorite book, watch their favorite movie with them. Ask them about their upbringing, their peer group, their quirks and foibles, their taste in music. You will avoid being seen as a nag who doesn’t really care about them but only wants to make sure that they fulfill their obligations. Same goes in romantic relationships and often even with colleagues at work.
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These articles take time to write please consider contributing I would like to keep ‘em coming but I also have to prioritise work that pays.
People Don't Care What You Know Until They Know That You Care
People Don't Care What You Know Until They Know That You Care
People Don't Care What You Know Until They Know That You Care
In my last article, put a pin in it, I talked about how thinking someone is looking for help solving a problem when actually they just want to vent often causes a lot of unnecessary conflicts in relationships. While this is a very common and recognisable example of how misunderstanding the reason why people are communicating causes problems, it is not the only one. (There are six reasons why people communicate - can you name them? if not check out this article.)
One of the most common reasons we communicate is to cause action or change. While this could be as simple as asking someone to “pass the salt,” it also forms the nuts and bolts of how we cooperate in the world. Since no one can provide for all their own needs, we have to communicate with one another and often negotiate to get people to do things for us in exchange for our good will, or the promise to do things for them in return. We usually try to do this without making people feel like they are just a vehicle for us to get our needs met, by being polite and taking an interest in others, rather than treating them as a means to our ends. In other words, we relate to people. If we fail to relate and people get the impression that the only reason we speak to them is when we want to get them to do things or communicate information to us, they will likely find us very detached, impersonal, self-involved, or even rude.
You may think people would only treat strangers this way, but actually much of the misery suffered in family life is caused by loved ones only communicating to one another on the level of “doing.” What needs done by when and by whom, or who forgot to do what and why. Sound familiar?
My friend Roslyn Ross coined the term “job parenting” to describe it when parents forget that their kids are little people with their own inner world and motivations in the cause of “doing a good job” as a parent. If being a good parent means the homework has to be in on time, then, by hook or by crook, we’re going to make the kids do it, and if we have to run roughshod over a few feelings in the process then so be it!
By extension – the successful “job” girlfriend is the one who “gets” her boyfriend to buy a ring and propose, be nice around her friend Molly (even though he can’t stand Molly and would rather be home watching the game than out shopping), and keep his political views to himself around her conservative dad – regardless of how he feels about meeting her criteria for success.
The problem with this approach is that, over the long term, this destroys all the good will in our relationships. In the rush to get others to do all the things we think they are “supposed to do” we lose the greatest influence we have over them – which is the quality and depth of our connection with one another.
So, watch out! If you only ever communicate with your kids when you want them to get ready for school or tidy their room, they will very soon come to resent you. It’s very common for people, even in their 30s, 40s and 50s, to complain that they don’t think their parents really know them or listen to them. I think this is because their parents often think it is more important that they get their children to do what they think is good for them (to cause action or change) than to actually take the time to relate to them as regular human beings with their own needs, priorities and preferences. It starts when they are young and sadly, all too often, continues on into adulthood.
If you want to avoid this situation, remember to take the time to relate to people on subjects that are important to them rather than simply on the level of their responsibilities. Take an interest in their talents, dreams and aspirations – if for no other reason than those are the things that are important to them. Learn to play their favorite video game with them, read their favorite book, watch their favorite movie with them. Ask them about their upbringing, their peer group, their quirks and foibles, their taste in music. You will avoid being seen as a nag who doesn’t really care about them but only wants to make sure that they fulfill their obligations. Same goes in romantic relationships and often even with colleagues at work.
Bitcoin - Etherium - Monero
These articles take time to write please consider contributing I would like to keep ‘em coming but I also have to prioritise work that pays.