Ignorance is not bliss. Especially when it comes to relationships.
In my last article I talked about how there are Six Reasons Why People Communicate, and how not understanding them can create unnecessary conflicts. I want to expand upon that today with a familiar story and shed.
Countless conflicts arise simply because two otherwise innocent and well-meaning people misunderstand the reason why they are being spoken and misinterpret what is being asked of them.
Let’s illustrate with the classic example:
A woman comes home after work starts complaining to her husband about how bad her day was. She is trying to vent. Now he is looking to receive more information, so he presses her for details. This is frustrating to her because, while he is trying to “get at the point”, to her it feels like he is intruding because he keeps breaking up her natural flow of venting to, (as she perceives it), interrogate her. Nonetheless, she represses the beginnings of her irritation, to answers his questions as quickly as she can before trying to switch back to her own track of communication. Now, this, her husband finds annoying, because he is “trying to get to the bottom of it”, and she keeps “making pointless tangents” (as he perceives it), but, not wanting to start a fight, he represses his irritation too, and keeps on trying to understand what is making her so unhappy at work. Once he thinks he has got it, he says, “Why don’t you just tell your boss that you aren’t comfortable taking on more projects until the other ones are done because you pride yourself on delivering excellent work, and can only do that if you give it your full attention?” He is really proud of how he has worded this and thinks it’s great advice which she should be appreciative of. The problem is that he’s now trying to cause action or change, whereas she still just wants to vent and gain compassion and understanding for her feelings and experiences. She is forced to explain why his plan isn’t appropriate for the situation she’s in while she tries desperately to steer the conversation back to her woes of the day in hope of getting them off her chest. That doesn’t work too well because he’s in “problem solving mode,” and she hasn’t been clear to him about what she expects him to do for her! So, he goes right ahead and makes another suggestion which she doesn’t like either. At this point he is the one getting exasperated with her. Why isn’t she open to advice? He feels dismissed and unappreciated. He wonders what the point of all her complaining is if she doesn’t sincerely want help in solving her problem. He says, a little sharply now, “If you hate your job so much you should just quit!”; but that really crosses the line! She lets out a yell and storms out the room, slamming the door behind her. Haplessly, he calls out after her, “I was only trying to help!”
Bam! There’s your problem. Trying to help isn’t enough! You first have to correctly identify what kind of help the other person is looking for. Otherwise, you’ll be sleeping on the couch!
In this familiar example, our well-intentioned hubby is trying to “close out” the conversation and bring it to a resolution by helping his wife solve her problem. On the other hand, she wife is trying to “open up” the conversation so that she can emote freely and express herself until she has got everything off her chest. That is what she wants actually help with. Empathy and understanding. She isn’t looking to brainstorm solutions and doesn’t want to bring the conversation to a hasty resolution because her very purpose of speaking is to be heard! Like a good meal, if you eat it too quickly, then it’s finished too quickly. For her, the interaction is not a puzzle that requires solving, but an experience to be shared. When her husband offers suggestions prematurely, she just feels like she is being shut up, and this makes her feel more frustrated than before she opened her mouth!
Most people are not able to clearly articulate the feeling of being shut down when people offer premature advice, but almost everyone has experienced it. If not at the hands of a partner, then by parents, teachers, friends or colleagues. If you find you are keen always eager to jump in and offer premature advice, experiment with “putting a pin” in it. Leave what you have to say aside for now, and instead tell the other person what you understood of what they said. Give them a chance to correct you if you got it wrong. When you discover how powerful this single communication is technique is, you might find you settle down and are not always so impatient to jump in. In fact, learning it was what ignited my passion for studying communication skills, and ultimately lead me to become a therapist!!
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