Relationship "Strategizing"
A "Feeling of Lack" Might Lead You to Manipulate Your Partner and Destroy Connection...
A lot of the time in our advocacy we get caught up in the world problems and conflicts and I like to ask how these reflect in our own lives and how we can focus on what is in our hands which are our own relationships. Most of you know that I am a psychotherapist but not all of you know that the reason why I got into being a counsellor in the first place. A pre-existing interest/obsession with communication skills and relationships. A lots of my writing, content and thinking over the years has been on topics relating to communication skills and improving relationships and it continues to be of interest to me to this day. I still learn to be a better communicator every day I spend in relationship.
Here are some recent thoughts which could sort of serve as a follow up to my essay Triggering In Relationships but it works as a stand-alone piece as well.
Sometimes when we get triggered in relationships we come to see our partner as an enemy who is withholding something from us which we feel like we need and are even entitled to. With a subtle, burning hostility we begin to mentally strategize on what we can say or do to somehow get them to give us what we think we need from them. If we manage, it's a bit of a pyrrhic victory because though we might get temporary relief, we will feel like we needed to manipulate them into doing it - and may feel like we're always going to have to do that! - therefore, insecure, and inauthentic. If we can't think of what buttons to push to get them to give the desired output - it's even worse! We feel abandoned and alone, stewing in our own feelings of ill-content, afraid to express our needs in case it pushes them further away.
A lot of the time it can feel like if we just directly express our needs and preferences then that will not likely elicit the "correct" response from our partner, or that it will make us too vulnerable and open to rejection, or that it "doesn't count" if we ask for it but that "it only counts" if our partner "just knows."
The tragic fact is that our fears are not always without foundation. I have found a lot of the writing on communication woefully naïve to the fact that - with a lot of people in a lot of circumstances - it really is true that expressing yourself honestly will push the other person away even more. It's all well and good telling someone "well if they don't receive your request like a mature adult and care for you properly then they're not the right one for you - go and fine someone better" but the reality is life isn't an orchard full of compatible partners and friends ripe for the picking. We have attachments and love and honour specific, rare qualities of our relationships with friends and partners even if they are not perfect.
So what to do?
When we notice this kind of thinking we can step out of the stream and ask ourselves: are we against each other or are we on the same team? How do we communicate in such a way that we can get on the same team.
If we are on the same side we should be asking how can we live and interact as though we are there to contribute to one another’s wellbeing rather than to extract particular things from one another. Rather than unconsciously act out a program based on defensiveness and fear of being hurt or resentment at someone for not being what they want us to be, we can rethink our communication strategy and even discuss the resentment with our partner to bring them in the problem solving process. "I have a problem I need your help with. I notice that I feel resentment to you when you do x or don't do y, I am wondering if you have any ideas on agreements we can make on how to interact with each other regarding this... "
The purpose of bringing the other person in on the decision-making process is to treat them like an equal with their own feelings and needs rather than a vehicle for us to get what we want. Besides, agreements that are arrived upon by consensus are more likely to stick than those that are requested unilaterally with the expectation of compliance.
Remember, this is not something that is always likely to be fixed in one conversation, but the relationship can be improved over time with a concerted effort to communicate about underlying motivations for patterns of behaviour and understanding of oneanothers needs. Also, the more confident you become expressing your needs and preferences the more likely you are to be well received. There is a strange self fulfilling prophecy to being timid. So be prepared to increase your confidence and self-esteem over time.
I wonder what other people's experiences are of feeling resentment towards a partner because we don't feel like they are being exactly as we would like them to be and we find it hurtful.
If you would like counselling on your relationship woes or some coaching in your communication skills so you an prevent them - check out my freedom warrior program.